Don’t Add Dysfunction
By Anthony Casperson
11-23-24

A number of people have already begun their seasonal rituals of watching holiday movies. (Hopefully, only the few Thanksgiving movies out there, because it’s too early for Christmas.)

Quite a number of those holiday films show dysfunctional families. Regardless of the familial connection, someone in the family is a bit odd or has a vastly different worldview than the rest. The whole family might even be on different wavelengths.

We like to watch these films because the drama is interesting. Seeing one or more people drive the others crazy. Witnessing personal growth over a very short period of time. And possibly coming to see reconciliation between people who’ve not spoken to each other for years. We love the drama of the season.

As long as it isn’t our family that’s making the drama.

But the problem is that, for many people, this time of year involves plenty of our own familial drama. That ridiculous cousin. That too-politically-minded uncle. That sibling who pushed the family away, but might’ve just had a change of heart. Things can get tense. Annoying. Depressing. (Trust me, I know. In more than one way.)

However, since the only person in any relationship that we can control is ourselves, I figured that we’d take this weekend before Thanksgiving to look at a very practical part of Paul’s advice to members of the family of God. The words are meant for the whole year round, but are even more important as we followers of Jesus gather with our earthly families—many of whom drive us to madness.

In the book of Romans, Paul switches from the very theological aspects of his teaching to the more practical side when he reaches chapter 12 of his letter to the Romans. And the first verse gives the overall idea, while the rest of the book spell out the various ways to live it out. He calls us to be living sacrifices that are holy and acceptable to our God, which is our act of spiritual worship.

While there are many pieces of this spiritual worship shown though our self-sacrifice in the second part of the book, I’ll focus on seven commands—scattered throughout Romans 12:9-21—that should be on our minds as we step into the holiday season of this very tumultuous year. I’m not guaranteeing that you’ll have the best year ever of family gatherings. But if we keep these seven ideas in mind, we at least shouldn’t add to the chaos.

1. Let love be genuine. (v. 9)

Such simple words that have a greater meaning than we often see in them. This love is the self-sacrificial, in-spite-of love that looks for the betterment of the other person, above even our own comfort. It’s the type of love that caused the Father to send the Son in a human body so that he could extend his grace and peace to us through the cross, when we were still antagonistic toward him. It’s a love that says, “I’ll choose to be with this person and help them, despite how much they annoy me right now. Because they are a fellow image-bearer of God, in whom he places value.”

And Paul is sure to tell us that we shouldn’t just put on an outward face of this love. Rather, it should be genuine. Un-hypocritical. Fully sincere in our love that seeks their benefit.

Thus, when we ready ourselves for the family get togethers, let’s not consider how much this one person, or part of our family, drives us crazy. Rather, let’s consider how we can truly offer good for each and every one of them—even if they won’t be returning the favor. The self-sacrificial love spoken of by Paul is more than a love that only survives until first contact with the enemy…I mean, that family member.

2. Outdo one another in showing honor. (v. 10)

Often, when it comes to familial friction, it comes about because multiple sides want to be seen as right. We hope that our arguments will finally get through the thick skulls of the others. We attempt to outdo one another in arguing our point of view. But all that does is make louder and louder screaming matches where no one actually listens to anyone else.

However, Paul calls followers of Jesus to let go of that desire to be the one with the weightier opinion. And instead give value and weight to others.

If we’re to try to outdo others in anything, let it be in how much honor we give to each other. We should be the first to cede the floor so that others can speak. And truly allow our ears to receive their thoughts—no matter how troublesome—instead of merely considering our next words so that we can destroy the half-heard argument.

Let’s have the servant-minded willingness to listen before we talk, argue, and fight. And show others what it means to honor each other.

3. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. (v. 15)

These words call followers of Jesus to meet others where they’re at. To be empathetic to the highs and lows of others. It’s another of those “Think about others ahead of yourself” ideas.

Some might consider that it’s easy to rejoice with those who are rejoicing. But the fact of the matter is that it can be difficult to hear other peoples’ good news when everything in our world is falling apart. It’s hard to be happy for someone’s promotion at work when you’ve been out of a job for most of the year. Or difficult to rejoice in the growing life inside of a new mother’s womb when you’ve tried and failed so many times.

Both sides need to learn that you can feel whatever it is you’re feeling and still support someone living with the total opposite experience.

This command also isn’t about putting on a fake smile. Or withholding your excitement so that someone can grieve. Rather, Paul’s words point us to consider where others are and meet them there with whatever type of support they need.

And that’s even if what they need is something other than rejoicing or weeping. That’s why it’s important for us to listen to one another. Because when we do, we can more easily discover what the other person needs. We might not be able to do very much other than listen, but even feeling like someone is there to listen can be helpful.

4. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. (v. 16)

The point of this command here isn’t necessarily about everyone going to serve at the local food kitchen. Doing so isn’t a bad idea, but it’s not really what the verse is saying here. Instead, the two parts of the command mean the same thing. Don’t be filled with pride; let humility lead you.

Let’s face it, many family squabbles start because someone thinks they know more than someone else. Pride in their opinion that they flaunt over the “uneducated” or “unsophisticated” masses. Usually, their far-too-high opinion of themselves comes about because they think that there’s a simple answer to any specific topic. Theirs. And such is even more the case when the matter being discussed has many different facets to it, most of which they ignore for their “simple solution.”

But when we associate with the lowly—when we allow humility to carry us away—it leads us to being teachable. We can gain perspectives that we’ve never thought of before. And even in those rare instances when the situation really is simple, remaining teachable helps us remain mentally flexible for all of those other occasions.

5. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. (v. 17)

Feuds within the family often get tangled up in score-keeping. Our attempt to keep a running tally of all of the slights they’ve done against us. Or we feel like they harmed us in some way, when they deny what they did was an offense.

But I want to remind us of the first point’s premise, “let love be genuine.” And I also want to point to 1 Corinthians 13’s definition of this type of love. At the end of 1 Cor. 13:5, it says that love isn’t “resentful.” That word is actually a Greek phrase that means, “doesn’t reckon/count/dwell on bad/harmful things.” Basically, don’t keep score.

If we’re not supposed to count all of the bad, what should our minds be on then? That’s what Paul provides for us back in Romans 12:17. We should give thought to what is the honorable thing to do. Instead of holding hidden grudges, let’s be open with a consideration of everyone’s good.

Let the grudges fall. After all, we do love the stories about familial reconciliation. Why not reach out to our own family and experience the same thing? With a much longer-lasting effect.

6. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. (v. 18)

Some of you have been arguing with me about all of those exceptions you thought about during the previous five points. Those times when that relative is actually abusive. Or when they really do just love to argue for argument’s sake. Even those times when they’re just looking for a mat to walk all over and leave their mud slopped upon.

It’s true. Some people are like that. No matter how giving and loving we are to that family member, they won’t change. And don’t want to. Sometimes, we just have to let them sit with the consequences of their own actions.

That’s where this command comes in. Our goal as followers of Jesus isn’t to be walked all over. Rather, it’s to do everything we can to bring peace to the situation. And sometimes we come across warmongers.

We’re not always able to live in peace. But the point is that we shouldn’t ever stoop down to their level and send the same thing back at them. There shouldn’t be cross-table counterstrikes. Yes, we should be wary and defend ourselves from any sort of harm. But never send back the same as what that relative gives. Because then, we’re no better than they are. And our God calls us to something better.

7. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God. (v.19)

Some might be asking how that warmongering family member will ever learn, if we don’t get the better of them. How can we get them to just stop?

Vengeance isn’t our place as followers of Jesus. Justice is God’s purview. Because he won’t require more than what’s necessary. And we can trust in his true justice. Even if it’s not on our timeline.

We serve the God who has great patience, and should be like him. But even his patience has an end. A time when those who refuse his offers for peace will find themselves forever separated from him and his glory and goodness.

Now, I’m not saying that we should hope for our family members to go to hell. But even earthly consequences can teach a person quite a lot. And we should be ready to offer the same forgiveness that God offers them then. And be ready to reconcile.

We’re entering a season fraught with plenty of family discord. Let’s not add to it. And be willing to humbly listen, whether it’s someone who we feel deserves it or not.

Don’t add to the dysfunction.